Remember me (?) (FS12)

Well how about that...? He called me. For the first time in, what? Three, four months? And what did he say? 


Nothing. I just sat there listening to background music and laughter until I hung up.


 It was a mistake. He didn't mean to dial my number. I know where he is, I read about it on that facebook of his. He's at a bar. He's having fun, probably the furthest thing from his mind right now is me.


And yet, when I saw his name on my cell phone screen, I felt a subtle tinge of joy.


Stupid. That's what I am.


Song of the day...


The Birthday Massacre- Remember Me


Background Info:


The Birthday Massacre (often identified using the abbreviation TBM) is a synthrock band, based in Toronto, Canada. The band formed in 1999, known then as Imagica. This name was borrowed from the novel Imajica by Clive Barker.The group originated in London, Ontario, under the name Imagica with members using pseudonyms and nicknames instead of their birth names.Members include Chibi, Rainbow, Falcore, Rhim, Owen and Nate Manor. The founding members state that neither had been in any previous bands and have expressed in multiple interviews that the group formed naturally as a result of spending time together as friends.


Lyrics:

It's safe to say I'm lonely now

A place called home 

Is just a memory away

I know I've done this all before

A thousand silent voices 

Begging me to stay

Apologies all left unsaid

Secrets better left unspoken

Dreams are slowly put to bed

Rumors stirred and reawoken

If I try to get away

How long until I'm free?

And if I don't come back here

Will you remember me?

It's safe to say there's nothing now

It's all so quiet but I 

Can't forget the sound

A thousand voices call my name

A thousand hands that 

Pull me back down to the ground

I turn away from what you are

Denying all that you have given

I find a place that's safe and far

In time all will be forgiven

If I try to get away

How long until I'm free?

And if I don't come back here

Will you remember me?


My Interpretation: To me this song is about both voluntarily and involuntarily going to a place where others can't reach you every time things get difficult-figuratively, obviously, like getting lost in your own mind- and wondering if people would miss you or even notice you're gone.

Video:

Well, you know what to do,down there.

Dull Days

Well, a long time has elapsed again since my last post, but not much has passed. I started taking Prozac, currently on day 117 now. I'm still insomniac... what else... 
I can no longer say I'll be a virgin suicide-giggle- but we both agree to keep it strictly casual. Feelings are mostly useless, after all.


University is okay so far but from now on I'm not sure because my depression is interfering with my reading capacity, I space out frequently and fall asleep during the day. Rather lonely lately as well, no one has sought me out so I have pay back in kind.


The weather right now is hot and humid, keeping me away from my beloved cardigans and messing up my hair in ways I never even thought possible.


French is going ok, ni très bien ni très mal...


And I tried weed for the first time about a month ago. Interesting but not as strong as I expected it to be. Moving on to lsd soon.


And that has been my life so far. For a more accurate summary:

Comments, hate, whatever, down there v

Remember what I said last post about a boyfriend and about not believing it and about enjoying it while it lasted, because it was the only truly interesting thing that had happened to me in ages...?

Well, he told me to fuck off because he's falling for another girl. Of course. Someone prettier than me, I suppose, since that'd be like 97% of women...

Anyway, my life goes right back to its old, sempiternal monotone, I'm only glad I didn't expect too much so I didn't fall too hard, but still...

If you'd excuse me, I'm off to carve some crimson art.

Saturday Poem Society's eighth poem (written on the spot):

XLVIII. Moi, le Péché

Sept. 10, 12 :06 AM

A mouth for both favour and ill,

an old taste of hate and sin,

words that turn into ghost limbs

unstoppable external wills.

Staring calmly from above

as the steel dons its red cape,

skin you’d said, you love to kiss

far too many eons ago.

Choosing comfort over control,

eyelids intentionally closed,

lips voluntarily sealed,

The reign dropped from palsied hands.

Never and again both lose their meaning

along with so much else,

such timelessness …this scene,

the fall I was trained to expect.[1]

~¶~

---

[1] mais, pour survivre?

You know what to do...(or not to do).

Spellbound

Well, hello again! I guess you could say I've sort of...come back from the grave...

It's been almost a year since my last entry, so I have some explaining to do. Nothing extraordinary happened or anything, I just got absorbed by everything I had to do to graduate and get into university, which I did(yay me!).

I actually got into both I applied to, and got a rather good result on the admittance test for the most prestigious one (665/800), which went sadly to waste because they didn't offer the course I wanted to major in: International Relations.

So, that meant bye to my beloved Universidad de Costa Rica, and hello to Universidad Nacional... I must admit I was a bit sad, since most of my friends would be attending the other one, but I was not going to study some random thing I didn't want and be miserable the rest of my life in a job I didn't like just to be with them. And I am glad I took that decision now, because I've been hearing they don't talk to each other all that much anyway...it's a big campus, they rarely see each other.

The first semester went by in a flash, this university is very different from the other one (UCR, from now on)... people are always busy with something, they come to class early, and they leave as soon as they finish...almost nobody stays to chat or...sleep on the grass or...eat, like a normal student would. It almost doesn't feel like an uni, to be honest. I don't like it much.

I didn't see anyone except for two of my closest friends, and him-the latter a couple of times, at most-, and felt utterly lonely, but I didn't try too hard to find some new company either. Meeting new people terrifies me. I cannot talk to strangers, I freeze up.

However, I did manage to make five friends that I cherish greatly, and they have helped me a lot getting trough the semester. I got some of the highest grades of my life-*cof cof* three straight tens and a 9.5- and finally got a much-deserved break.

The break was hell, depression hit me mercilessly as always, nobody remembered I existed, let's not talk about that.

This semester has been rather uneventful, uni-wise, but my personal life, oh boy, have things taken an unexpected turn, or what?

I-and this is still very hard for my to believe, let alone type with a straight face- have a boyfriend. Yes, you read correctly. No, I don't think I deserve it, I keep feeling this day will be the last day, and that it's too good to be true. He might have suffered a blow to the head or something, but I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts. Carpe diem.

It's nothing exclusive, or anything, he can fuck whoever he wants as long as he tells me, and so can I...which reminds me, I also have a kissing-doll. And I got my first kiss from him, and tipped the velvet for the first time with her. I can't wait to see what Monsieur will think about that.

As you might have inferred, I am happier than usual, but ironically enough, my cutting urges have worsened . Go figure. I give in about once a week, it keeps my sanity in check.

This is getting ridiculously long, so I'll just finish with this weeks Saturday Poem Society's seventh poem:

V.TV Static
01-Apr 21:36

We become
immersed in TV
static;
lose the channel,
break the bonds.
Entomb yourself in
celebrity.
A true friend is
one that tells you
to give up.
Commercialized
death;
spread your insides
across the latest
cereal.
Let the children
feed off your
spun-sugar sweetness,
lacking their
common sense,
until it rots their
teeth.

~¶~

Comments, hate, spam, down there /v

at the end of my tether

i really really feel ive reached the end of my tether. on the floor in the corner because it feels so empty and im crying but i dont want my parents to notice. i hear really really strange noises and something that might be voices and everything has just gone so wrong and theres no one to turn to and i cant stop thinking about suicide as much as i try i dont know how to get myself through this night. i have no strenght left. ive tried every kind of distraction and they dont work. im really desperate and dont think ill be in control for mu
c h longer.

Contradictions and misleadings

I don't need attention, what I need is a sure-fire way to make as much damage as possible. Now.

XoXo.

The Bleeding Swallow

*update* Ok, here it is. Sorry I've abandoned the blog for so long, I'll be back as soon as I finish my finals, hopefully.

LXII. The Bleeding Swallow

Sept. 20, 7:16 PM

Thinking about

all the silly things

us swallows remember

from our nightly dreams,

I wondered and pondered

how would it feel

to love with the love

that spring seems to bring?

So I ventured down

to the blossomed meadows

and flew low over seas

of colorful petals

until I found

what I thought to be

the most wonderful flower

I had ever seen.

Its gown was crimson,

its perfume was sweet

and in a single instant

I was drawn to it.

I pressed myself

to her tender caress

and felt its piercing love

sinking on my flesh.

“I’m sorry.”, she said,

with not much pity on her tone,

“I was just made this way”

So dazed and hurt I flew away

to try my luck elsewhere.

I passed over towns and cities,

flew by many a windowsill,

but none of those strange animals

seemed to feel what I called love.

The sun fell in slumber deep

and the moon began its nightly chores.

I grew tired and somewhat cold

but a beaconing light saw

shinning of the cosy window

of a small, country home.

The brightness turned out to be a fire

which burnt happily on the hearth

so I approached it, wings wide open

seeking its comforting warmth.

At once my wings were set alight

while faintly through my pain I heard

its sincere apology,

he should have warned me that it was

just the way he had been made.

And as my charred and blistered skin

begged for some small act of kindness,

a gentle hand picked my aching body

from the hard, wooden floor

and gently thrust it outside

into the freezing cold

to die in that clear and starry springtime night

which I thought so full of love.

Comments, you know the drill, down below.

XoXo.

Shy

Meeting people on line is certainly a liability...but I met such a nice guy today, I feel really lucky...


Anyway, nothing new has happened.

I expanded my ears a bit more...not because I wanted it too much but mostly because of the pain.
And oh, did they hurt like a bitch...

That's what I was aiming for anyway.

XoXo.

Alone Around You (FS11)

Yeah, again I haven't posted in a long time...I was...still am, trying to pull myself together, without much success, really, but oh well...

If I could forgive and forget, it would be enough for me.

And sleep.



Anyhow, I don't really feel like making a Featured Song post, but I'd really like to share this song with you:

The Birthday Massacre-In The Dark


Lyrics:

All these broken pieces left unglued
Should never find their way into
the hands of someone like you

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Every minute shared is never mine
Frozen in this fog and hiding every second in time

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

I'm losing my faith in every way
That points to you, Oh
I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you, Oh
I'm in the dark

The more bleak the day
The less I behave as if
Everything black can wash away
Oh can I just trade a dream for a way
To peel back the shade behind the grey?

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Video:



Anything you want to say, down there.

XoXo.

Hallucin(h)ate (SPS5)

This past couple of weeks have literally been a blank in my life. I had tests, so all I did was study and study and study. I could not get him out of my mind because I miss him so fucking much...I miss his hugs and his stories, we always had something to talk about and all of a sudden he just abandoned me and it hurt me so deep that I think I will never be alright again.
I am so incredibly lonely at school...if my friend Esteban is absent or leaves early for any given reason, I have absolutely no one to stay with...I have to spend the recess sitting lonely on a table and everyone who passes by shoots pityful looks my way...it is very uncomfortable, not to mention despiriting...
But do they come and sit nex to me...? No, and I don't think... (at least I hope so) that it is because they don't like me...I think they just don't care enough.
And when they do ask me to sit with them, which seldom happens, I am sure it is out of pity.
And after, when I asked Esteban why didn't he look for me (because I saw him and he sure didn't seem like he was looking for anyone) he answered "I got tired of looking." IT WAS ONLY LIKE FIVE MINUTES, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Was it more like he was tired of me...?
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I just cannot keep a friend... They always get bored and walk out on me...they just give up...Am I really that boring to be with? I try very hard...

And today, when I arrived at the activity, there was not much left for me to do, so I thought I should settle things with Javier once and for all, because it was consuming me and I could not go on like that anymore.

I called him, and he came. I asked if I had done something wrong, if he was angry with me. I burst into tears.

He says "No, I'm not angry with you...not at all! You've done nothing wrong..."

So I ask him why, then, he stopped talking to me so suddenly, broke our promise without a word...

And he gave me so flimsy explanation having to do with me always being alone and not wanting to walk around as he'd like to do...

Really? Are you serious? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I burst into tears again. I tell him everything...about my dad hitting my mom, about the constant arguments at home, about how, how very much I miss him...everything...

I tell him I wished things could be as they were before...

And he tells me..."Well, I'd like that too...but we have changed a lot...you have changed, I know I have...maybe if you tried to be a little bit happier...but you're so sad all the time...

Really? Talk about destroying my heart.

Is that really the reason why none of my friends stay...? If it is, then I am more missunderstood than I thought I was.

I cannot just stop being sad. I can't, especially not now. I feel like I fell in a deep, dark well and broke all my bones. It's cold, dark and empty.

I don't want to eat, walk, talk, breathe, blink...I don't want to do anything. I wish I could just lay in bed and sleep forever listening to the rain fall. But I can't do that either because I can't sleep. It's been a week now, two hours a night at most.

And of course, I knew sooner or later I was going to falter...I just took the rusted razor that I hadn't used in weeks, and started slicing away at my hand, everywhere, the palm, the back, between the knuckles, the fingers, the wrist...everywhere...but sort of not noticing where I was cutting...I was so foucused on how good it felt the deeper I cut, and when I cut over a previous cut, opening it deeper into my flesh...

I have been so distant, so dissociated and confused and I just don't know what to do anymore... I truly have no one to talk to anymore. Nobody cares.

Why can't I be strong enough to just take that blade once and for all and slice open my fucking veins?

It's not like someone is going to miss me...they'll manage...
I know I will never be happy enough for them anyway.

Saturday Poem Society's fifth poem:

IV.Hallucin(h)ate
01-Apr 20:08

My sweet cyanide,
care to poison my
mind?
I need to take a
dip in
hallucination.
Fighting against
porcelain,
but this faces
never break,
this dolls with
china eyes,
are forever in my
wake.
You've poisoned
my mind.
but you can't
make me blind.
I leave these
wishes at your
doorstep,
tied to a blue
balloon
and I watched as
the stars smiled
down,
against the
outline of a red
moon.
I want this ink
against my skin
in tattooed lines
of lies.
You've poisoned
my mind
but you can't
make me blind.
So care to speak
in serenade
sentences?
With little white
lies
as the foot-notes?
Care to fill this
void?
Car to fix this
ache?
I'm broken,
I'm broken,
I need to
hallucinate.

XoXo.

A Room in Hell

“Depression is such cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying with concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. I realize that every person, at some point, takes up residence in one or other of these rooms. But the realization offers no great comfort now.”
— Martha Manning, Undercurrents (1994)


That's all I have to say for today...I think that is all I can post today, and I'm scared to be right.

XoXo.

small flower

A short post today.

I'm so sorry...

Everytime I see him I feel an uncontainable urge to jump into his arms and cry my heart out.

But for some reason, at the same time it feels as if I'd frozen up inside, my heart becoming painfully hardened and heavy, and I cannot utter a single word, can't do anything more than fantasize...


XoXo.

what lies ahead

The career advice fair was interesting, but it left me a bit uncertain about what it is I should do for the future. I hope I can clear things up soon...

I felt so fake on that photoshoot, they'll probably come out horrible...

I haven't talked to anybody about my feelings since I can't remember went, and I feel I am about to fall on that deep well of desperation and self-destruction once again.

Also, I had a dream last night in which I kissed a friend and I just can't get her image out of my head. I hate when this happens.

I'm so sorry there's no song today again, I think I'll just feature a song whenever I feel like it, because I am not all here yet to blog every day....

XoXo.

Neglected

Both me and the blog. I'm sorry. I just haven't been feeling good lately.

I think it is actually true that no one, not a single person I have ever spoken to, would consider me indispensable in their lives.

Would they notice if I were gone?

They don't even notice when I am gone now.

They might miss me for a month or two, and then forget me as easily as the moss would start to creep over my unkept tombstone.

Would they visit me?

They don't even feel the need to be with me now.

People come and go. Friends, family, aquaintances, none of them will ever stay. But I cannot move. I don't want to change.

Everybody is leaving me behind, I don't mean to drag them down...

But I am petrified.

And as hard as I have tried to isolate myself, to cut out any emotional links I may have in order to minimize damage, if I am in the same room with him, I simply cannot stop looking at him.
And it hurts so bad. It feels as though a pin was stuck through my heart everytime he gives me that painfully sweet smile. I want him to sing me to sleep and then never to wake up again. I don't eat, I barely drink anything other than coffee, I chain smoke, I have not slept more than two hours a night for the past two weeks, I jump with every little noise, I am cold all the time, my hands shake when I need to verbally communicate with someone...

I'm falling to pieces and there's no one here to catch them.

XoXo.

Dissect (SPS4)

This week has been awefully busy, but nothing was relevant enough.

Sorry I have not posted in so long.

I cannot take my eyes off of him, he is just so perfect. Why is he so perfect? And what does she have to have something I don't? I'm sure she doesn't even like him.

It hurts so bad.

I am dissapointed on everyone. Absolutely everyone.

The fourth(yesterday's) Saturday Poem Society post is:

III.Dissect
31-Mar 23:46

I want you to cut
me up.
Dissect me; inch
by inch.
You'll pull apart
my limbs and my
secrets will spew,
tied to bones and
my broken heart.
Do you want to
make me blind?
I'll gladly pass
you the scissors if
it means I don't
have to watch you
holding onto her
every word...
Leave me lifeless.
Your name was
once slashed across
my flesh, now all
that remains is
scar-crossed skin.
I tried to rub you
out...no...I tried to
cut you out...

Comments or critique equally welcome.

XoXo.