A Room in Hell

“Depression is such cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying with concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. I realize that every person, at some point, takes up residence in one or other of these rooms. But the realization offers no great comfort now.”
— Martha Manning, Undercurrents (1994)


That's all I have to say for today...I think that is all I can post today, and I'm scared to be right.

XoXo.

small flower

A short post today.

I'm so sorry...

Everytime I see him I feel an uncontainable urge to jump into his arms and cry my heart out.

But for some reason, at the same time it feels as if I'd frozen up inside, my heart becoming painfully hardened and heavy, and I cannot utter a single word, can't do anything more than fantasize...


XoXo.

what lies ahead

The career advice fair was interesting, but it left me a bit uncertain about what it is I should do for the future. I hope I can clear things up soon...

I felt so fake on that photoshoot, they'll probably come out horrible...

I haven't talked to anybody about my feelings since I can't remember went, and I feel I am about to fall on that deep well of desperation and self-destruction once again.

Also, I had a dream last night in which I kissed a friend and I just can't get her image out of my head. I hate when this happens.

I'm so sorry there's no song today again, I think I'll just feature a song whenever I feel like it, because I am not all here yet to blog every day....

XoXo.

Neglected

Both me and the blog. I'm sorry. I just haven't been feeling good lately.

I think it is actually true that no one, not a single person I have ever spoken to, would consider me indispensable in their lives.

Would they notice if I were gone?

They don't even notice when I am gone now.

They might miss me for a month or two, and then forget me as easily as the moss would start to creep over my unkept tombstone.

Would they visit me?

They don't even feel the need to be with me now.

People come and go. Friends, family, aquaintances, none of them will ever stay. But I cannot move. I don't want to change.

Everybody is leaving me behind, I don't mean to drag them down...

But I am petrified.

And as hard as I have tried to isolate myself, to cut out any emotional links I may have in order to minimize damage, if I am in the same room with him, I simply cannot stop looking at him.
And it hurts so bad. It feels as though a pin was stuck through my heart everytime he gives me that painfully sweet smile. I want him to sing me to sleep and then never to wake up again. I don't eat, I barely drink anything other than coffee, I chain smoke, I have not slept more than two hours a night for the past two weeks, I jump with every little noise, I am cold all the time, my hands shake when I need to verbally communicate with someone...

I'm falling to pieces and there's no one here to catch them.

XoXo.

Dissect (SPS4)

This week has been awefully busy, but nothing was relevant enough.

Sorry I have not posted in so long.

I cannot take my eyes off of him, he is just so perfect. Why is he so perfect? And what does she have to have something I don't? I'm sure she doesn't even like him.

It hurts so bad.

I am dissapointed on everyone. Absolutely everyone.

The fourth(yesterday's) Saturday Poem Society post is:

III.Dissect
31-Mar 23:46

I want you to cut
me up.
Dissect me; inch
by inch.
You'll pull apart
my limbs and my
secrets will spew,
tied to bones and
my broken heart.
Do you want to
make me blind?
I'll gladly pass
you the scissors if
it means I don't
have to watch you
holding onto her
every word...
Leave me lifeless.
Your name was
once slashed across
my flesh, now all
that remains is
scar-crossed skin.
I tried to rub you
out...no...I tried to
cut you out...

Comments or critique equally welcome.

XoXo.

In Haste

Just a quick one today, I will embellish it tomorrow, it is already rather late today.

I hope she gets better soon, she has got me very worried.

Everything would be so much better if we didn't have to eat...

XoXo.

Fear of Ghosts (FS10)

Reminiscing the past on days like today is part of the grieving process, I guess, but I will never get used to the fact that she is never going to be there for me to tell her "Happy Mother's Day". She has not even got a plaque on her tomb...

Are we all bound to be forgotten so fast?

Such small epiphanies only strenghten my existentialist vision of the world.I wish I could let go of this, but I cannot until you say something. Please say something.

Todays's featured song is

The Cure- Fear of Ghosts

Background Info:

The Cure is an English rock band formed in Crawley, West Sussex in 1976. The band has experienced several line-up changes, with frontman, vocalist, guitarist and principal songwriter Robert Smith being the only constant member. The Cure first began releasing music in the late 1970s with their debut album Three Imaginary Boys (1979); this, along with several early singles, placed the band as part of the post-punk and New Wave movements that had sprung up in the wake of the punk rock revolution in the United Kingdom. During the early 1980s, the band's increasingly dark and tormented music helped form the gothic rock genre.

Lyrics:

Like a feeling that I'm down
Deep inside my heart
Like I'm looking out through
Splitting blood red
Windows in my heart
From a higher up than heaven
And a harder down than stone
Shake the fear that always clawing
Pulls me clawing down alone
As I spitting splitting blood red
Breaking windows in my heart
And the past is taunting
Fear of ghosts
Is forcing me apart
And the further I get
From the things that I care about
The less I care about
How much further away I get...

I am lost again
With everything gone
And more alone
Than I have ever been
I expect you to understand
To feel it too
But I know that even if you will
You cannot ever help me
Nor can I
Ever help you

My Interpretation:

Robert Smith has the exceptional ability of making his lyrics as literall or as symbollic as he wants, and in this case, they are rather literall. For me, the song tells the heartbreaking story of a person who is not quite all there anymore, and he feels himself slipping away, further and further with every sleepless night, with his memories haunting him as ghosts. He is destroyed, lonely and lost beyond any possible salvation
"And the further I get/From the things that I care about/The less I care about/How much further away I get..." Precisely the vicious circle I seem to have fallen into.

Video:



Comments or anything else you wish to say...

XoXo.