Remember what I said last post about a boyfriend and about not believing it and about enjoying it while it lasted, because it was the only truly interesting thing that had happened to me in ages...?

Well, he told me to fuck off because he's falling for another girl. Of course. Someone prettier than me, I suppose, since that'd be like 97% of women...

Anyway, my life goes right back to its old, sempiternal monotone, I'm only glad I didn't expect too much so I didn't fall too hard, but still...

If you'd excuse me, I'm off to carve some crimson art.

Saturday Poem Society's eighth poem (written on the spot):

XLVIII. Moi, le Péché

Sept. 10, 12 :06 AM

A mouth for both favour and ill,

an old taste of hate and sin,

words that turn into ghost limbs

unstoppable external wills.

Staring calmly from above

as the steel dons its red cape,

skin you’d said, you love to kiss

far too many eons ago.

Choosing comfort over control,

eyelids intentionally closed,

lips voluntarily sealed,

The reign dropped from palsied hands.

Never and again both lose their meaning

along with so much else,

such timelessness …this scene,

the fall I was trained to expect.[1]

~¶~

---

[1] mais, pour survivre?

You know what to do...(or not to do).

Spellbound

Well, hello again! I guess you could say I've sort of...come back from the grave...

It's been almost a year since my last entry, so I have some explaining to do. Nothing extraordinary happened or anything, I just got absorbed by everything I had to do to graduate and get into university, which I did(yay me!).

I actually got into both I applied to, and got a rather good result on the admittance test for the most prestigious one (665/800), which went sadly to waste because they didn't offer the course I wanted to major in: International Relations.

So, that meant bye to my beloved Universidad de Costa Rica, and hello to Universidad Nacional... I must admit I was a bit sad, since most of my friends would be attending the other one, but I was not going to study some random thing I didn't want and be miserable the rest of my life in a job I didn't like just to be with them. And I am glad I took that decision now, because I've been hearing they don't talk to each other all that much anyway...it's a big campus, they rarely see each other.

The first semester went by in a flash, this university is very different from the other one (UCR, from now on)... people are always busy with something, they come to class early, and they leave as soon as they finish...almost nobody stays to chat or...sleep on the grass or...eat, like a normal student would. It almost doesn't feel like an uni, to be honest. I don't like it much.

I didn't see anyone except for two of my closest friends, and him-the latter a couple of times, at most-, and felt utterly lonely, but I didn't try too hard to find some new company either. Meeting new people terrifies me. I cannot talk to strangers, I freeze up.

However, I did manage to make five friends that I cherish greatly, and they have helped me a lot getting trough the semester. I got some of the highest grades of my life-*cof cof* three straight tens and a 9.5- and finally got a much-deserved break.

The break was hell, depression hit me mercilessly as always, nobody remembered I existed, let's not talk about that.

This semester has been rather uneventful, uni-wise, but my personal life, oh boy, have things taken an unexpected turn, or what?

I-and this is still very hard for my to believe, let alone type with a straight face- have a boyfriend. Yes, you read correctly. No, I don't think I deserve it, I keep feeling this day will be the last day, and that it's too good to be true. He might have suffered a blow to the head or something, but I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts. Carpe diem.

It's nothing exclusive, or anything, he can fuck whoever he wants as long as he tells me, and so can I...which reminds me, I also have a kissing-doll. And I got my first kiss from him, and tipped the velvet for the first time with her. I can't wait to see what Monsieur will think about that.

As you might have inferred, I am happier than usual, but ironically enough, my cutting urges have worsened . Go figure. I give in about once a week, it keeps my sanity in check.

This is getting ridiculously long, so I'll just finish with this weeks Saturday Poem Society's seventh poem:

V.TV Static
01-Apr 21:36

We become
immersed in TV
static;
lose the channel,
break the bonds.
Entomb yourself in
celebrity.
A true friend is
one that tells you
to give up.
Commercialized
death;
spread your insides
across the latest
cereal.
Let the children
feed off your
spun-sugar sweetness,
lacking their
common sense,
until it rots their
teeth.

~¶~

Comments, hate, spam, down there /v

at the end of my tether

i really really feel ive reached the end of my tether. on the floor in the corner because it feels so empty and im crying but i dont want my parents to notice. i hear really really strange noises and something that might be voices and everything has just gone so wrong and theres no one to turn to and i cant stop thinking about suicide as much as i try i dont know how to get myself through this night. i have no strenght left. ive tried every kind of distraction and they dont work. im really desperate and dont think ill be in control for mu
c h longer.

Contradictions and misleadings

I don't need attention, what I need is a sure-fire way to make as much damage as possible. Now.

XoXo.

The Bleeding Swallow

*update* Ok, here it is. Sorry I've abandoned the blog for so long, I'll be back as soon as I finish my finals, hopefully.

LXII. The Bleeding Swallow

Sept. 20, 7:16 PM

Thinking about

all the silly things

us swallows remember

from our nightly dreams,

I wondered and pondered

how would it feel

to love with the love

that spring seems to bring?

So I ventured down

to the blossomed meadows

and flew low over seas

of colorful petals

until I found

what I thought to be

the most wonderful flower

I had ever seen.

Its gown was crimson,

its perfume was sweet

and in a single instant

I was drawn to it.

I pressed myself

to her tender caress

and felt its piercing love

sinking on my flesh.

“I’m sorry.”, she said,

with not much pity on her tone,

“I was just made this way”

So dazed and hurt I flew away

to try my luck elsewhere.

I passed over towns and cities,

flew by many a windowsill,

but none of those strange animals

seemed to feel what I called love.

The sun fell in slumber deep

and the moon began its nightly chores.

I grew tired and somewhat cold

but a beaconing light saw

shinning of the cosy window

of a small, country home.

The brightness turned out to be a fire

which burnt happily on the hearth

so I approached it, wings wide open

seeking its comforting warmth.

At once my wings were set alight

while faintly through my pain I heard

its sincere apology,

he should have warned me that it was

just the way he had been made.

And as my charred and blistered skin

begged for some small act of kindness,

a gentle hand picked my aching body

from the hard, wooden floor

and gently thrust it outside

into the freezing cold

to die in that clear and starry springtime night

which I thought so full of love.

Comments, you know the drill, down below.

XoXo.

Shy

Meeting people on line is certainly a liability...but I met such a nice guy today, I feel really lucky...


Anyway, nothing new has happened.

I expanded my ears a bit more...not because I wanted it too much but mostly because of the pain.
And oh, did they hurt like a bitch...

That's what I was aiming for anyway.

XoXo.

Alone Around You (FS11)

Yeah, again I haven't posted in a long time...I was...still am, trying to pull myself together, without much success, really, but oh well...

If I could forgive and forget, it would be enough for me.

And sleep.



Anyhow, I don't really feel like making a Featured Song post, but I'd really like to share this song with you:

The Birthday Massacre-In The Dark


Lyrics:

All these broken pieces left unglued
Should never find their way into
the hands of someone like you

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Every minute shared is never mine
Frozen in this fog and hiding every second in time

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

I'm losing my faith in every way
That points to you, Oh
I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you, Oh
I'm in the dark

The more bleak the day
The less I behave as if
Everything black can wash away
Oh can I just trade a dream for a way
To peel back the shade behind the grey?

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Video:



Anything you want to say, down there.

XoXo.