The Bleeding Swallow

*update* Ok, here it is. Sorry I've abandoned the blog for so long, I'll be back as soon as I finish my finals, hopefully.

LXII. The Bleeding Swallow

Sept. 20, 7:16 PM

Thinking about

all the silly things

us swallows remember

from our nightly dreams,

I wondered and pondered

how would it feel

to love with the love

that spring seems to bring?

So I ventured down

to the blossomed meadows

and flew low over seas

of colorful petals

until I found

what I thought to be

the most wonderful flower

I had ever seen.

Its gown was crimson,

its perfume was sweet

and in a single instant

I was drawn to it.

I pressed myself

to her tender caress

and felt its piercing love

sinking on my flesh.

“I’m sorry.”, she said,

with not much pity on her tone,

“I was just made this way”

So dazed and hurt I flew away

to try my luck elsewhere.

I passed over towns and cities,

flew by many a windowsill,

but none of those strange animals

seemed to feel what I called love.

The sun fell in slumber deep

and the moon began its nightly chores.

I grew tired and somewhat cold

but a beaconing light saw

shinning of the cosy window

of a small, country home.

The brightness turned out to be a fire

which burnt happily on the hearth

so I approached it, wings wide open

seeking its comforting warmth.

At once my wings were set alight

while faintly through my pain I heard

its sincere apology,

he should have warned me that it was

just the way he had been made.

And as my charred and blistered skin

begged for some small act of kindness,

a gentle hand picked my aching body

from the hard, wooden floor

and gently thrust it outside

into the freezing cold

to die in that clear and starry springtime night

which I thought so full of love.

Comments, you know the drill, down below.

XoXo.

Shy

Meeting people on line is certainly a liability...but I met such a nice guy today, I feel really lucky...


Anyway, nothing new has happened.

I expanded my ears a bit more...not because I wanted it too much but mostly because of the pain.
And oh, did they hurt like a bitch...

That's what I was aiming for anyway.

XoXo.

Alone Around You (FS11)

Yeah, again I haven't posted in a long time...I was...still am, trying to pull myself together, without much success, really, but oh well...

If I could forgive and forget, it would be enough for me.

And sleep.



Anyhow, I don't really feel like making a Featured Song post, but I'd really like to share this song with you:

The Birthday Massacre-In The Dark


Lyrics:

All these broken pieces left unglued
Should never find their way into
the hands of someone like you

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Every minute shared is never mine
Frozen in this fog and hiding every second in time

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

I'm losing my faith in every way
That points to you, Oh
I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you, Oh
I'm in the dark

The more bleak the day
The less I behave as if
Everything black can wash away
Oh can I just trade a dream for a way
To peel back the shade behind the grey?

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Video:



Anything you want to say, down there.

XoXo.

Hallucin(h)ate (SPS5)

This past couple of weeks have literally been a blank in my life. I had tests, so all I did was study and study and study. I could not get him out of my mind because I miss him so fucking much...I miss his hugs and his stories, we always had something to talk about and all of a sudden he just abandoned me and it hurt me so deep that I think I will never be alright again.
I am so incredibly lonely at school...if my friend Esteban is absent or leaves early for any given reason, I have absolutely no one to stay with...I have to spend the recess sitting lonely on a table and everyone who passes by shoots pityful looks my way...it is very uncomfortable, not to mention despiriting...
But do they come and sit nex to me...? No, and I don't think... (at least I hope so) that it is because they don't like me...I think they just don't care enough.
And when they do ask me to sit with them, which seldom happens, I am sure it is out of pity.
And after, when I asked Esteban why didn't he look for me (because I saw him and he sure didn't seem like he was looking for anyone) he answered "I got tired of looking." IT WAS ONLY LIKE FIVE MINUTES, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Was it more like he was tired of me...?
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I just cannot keep a friend... They always get bored and walk out on me...they just give up...Am I really that boring to be with? I try very hard...

And today, when I arrived at the activity, there was not much left for me to do, so I thought I should settle things with Javier once and for all, because it was consuming me and I could not go on like that anymore.

I called him, and he came. I asked if I had done something wrong, if he was angry with me. I burst into tears.

He says "No, I'm not angry with you...not at all! You've done nothing wrong..."

So I ask him why, then, he stopped talking to me so suddenly, broke our promise without a word...

And he gave me so flimsy explanation having to do with me always being alone and not wanting to walk around as he'd like to do...

Really? Are you serious? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I burst into tears again. I tell him everything...about my dad hitting my mom, about the constant arguments at home, about how, how very much I miss him...everything...

I tell him I wished things could be as they were before...

And he tells me..."Well, I'd like that too...but we have changed a lot...you have changed, I know I have...maybe if you tried to be a little bit happier...but you're so sad all the time...

Really? Talk about destroying my heart.

Is that really the reason why none of my friends stay...? If it is, then I am more missunderstood than I thought I was.

I cannot just stop being sad. I can't, especially not now. I feel like I fell in a deep, dark well and broke all my bones. It's cold, dark and empty.

I don't want to eat, walk, talk, breathe, blink...I don't want to do anything. I wish I could just lay in bed and sleep forever listening to the rain fall. But I can't do that either because I can't sleep. It's been a week now, two hours a night at most.

And of course, I knew sooner or later I was going to falter...I just took the rusted razor that I hadn't used in weeks, and started slicing away at my hand, everywhere, the palm, the back, between the knuckles, the fingers, the wrist...everywhere...but sort of not noticing where I was cutting...I was so foucused on how good it felt the deeper I cut, and when I cut over a previous cut, opening it deeper into my flesh...

I have been so distant, so dissociated and confused and I just don't know what to do anymore... I truly have no one to talk to anymore. Nobody cares.

Why can't I be strong enough to just take that blade once and for all and slice open my fucking veins?

It's not like someone is going to miss me...they'll manage...
I know I will never be happy enough for them anyway.

Saturday Poem Society's fifth poem:

IV.Hallucin(h)ate
01-Apr 20:08

My sweet cyanide,
care to poison my
mind?
I need to take a
dip in
hallucination.
Fighting against
porcelain,
but this faces
never break,
this dolls with
china eyes,
are forever in my
wake.
You've poisoned
my mind.
but you can't
make me blind.
I leave these
wishes at your
doorstep,
tied to a blue
balloon
and I watched as
the stars smiled
down,
against the
outline of a red
moon.
I want this ink
against my skin
in tattooed lines
of lies.
You've poisoned
my mind
but you can't
make me blind.
So care to speak
in serenade
sentences?
With little white
lies
as the foot-notes?
Care to fill this
void?
Car to fix this
ache?
I'm broken,
I'm broken,
I need to
hallucinate.

XoXo.