Hallucin(h)ate (SPS5)

This past couple of weeks have literally been a blank in my life. I had tests, so all I did was study and study and study. I could not get him out of my mind because I miss him so fucking much...I miss his hugs and his stories, we always had something to talk about and all of a sudden he just abandoned me and it hurt me so deep that I think I will never be alright again.
I am so incredibly lonely at school...if my friend Esteban is absent or leaves early for any given reason, I have absolutely no one to stay with...I have to spend the recess sitting lonely on a table and everyone who passes by shoots pityful looks my way...it is very uncomfortable, not to mention despiriting...
But do they come and sit nex to me...? No, and I don't think... (at least I hope so) that it is because they don't like me...I think they just don't care enough.
And when they do ask me to sit with them, which seldom happens, I am sure it is out of pity.
And after, when I asked Esteban why didn't he look for me (because I saw him and he sure didn't seem like he was looking for anyone) he answered "I got tired of looking." IT WAS ONLY LIKE FIVE MINUTES, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Was it more like he was tired of me...?
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I just cannot keep a friend... They always get bored and walk out on me...they just give up...Am I really that boring to be with? I try very hard...

And today, when I arrived at the activity, there was not much left for me to do, so I thought I should settle things with Javier once and for all, because it was consuming me and I could not go on like that anymore.

I called him, and he came. I asked if I had done something wrong, if he was angry with me. I burst into tears.

He says "No, I'm not angry with you...not at all! You've done nothing wrong..."

So I ask him why, then, he stopped talking to me so suddenly, broke our promise without a word...

And he gave me so flimsy explanation having to do with me always being alone and not wanting to walk around as he'd like to do...

Really? Are you serious? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I burst into tears again. I tell him everything...about my dad hitting my mom, about the constant arguments at home, about how, how very much I miss him...everything...

I tell him I wished things could be as they were before...

And he tells me..."Well, I'd like that too...but we have changed a lot...you have changed, I know I have...maybe if you tried to be a little bit happier...but you're so sad all the time...

Really? Talk about destroying my heart.

Is that really the reason why none of my friends stay...? If it is, then I am more missunderstood than I thought I was.

I cannot just stop being sad. I can't, especially not now. I feel like I fell in a deep, dark well and broke all my bones. It's cold, dark and empty.

I don't want to eat, walk, talk, breathe, blink...I don't want to do anything. I wish I could just lay in bed and sleep forever listening to the rain fall. But I can't do that either because I can't sleep. It's been a week now, two hours a night at most.

And of course, I knew sooner or later I was going to falter...I just took the rusted razor that I hadn't used in weeks, and started slicing away at my hand, everywhere, the palm, the back, between the knuckles, the fingers, the wrist...everywhere...but sort of not noticing where I was cutting...I was so foucused on how good it felt the deeper I cut, and when I cut over a previous cut, opening it deeper into my flesh...

I have been so distant, so dissociated and confused and I just don't know what to do anymore... I truly have no one to talk to anymore. Nobody cares.

Why can't I be strong enough to just take that blade once and for all and slice open my fucking veins?

It's not like someone is going to miss me...they'll manage...
I know I will never be happy enough for them anyway.

Saturday Poem Society's fifth poem:

IV.Hallucin(h)ate
01-Apr 20:08

My sweet cyanide,
care to poison my
mind?
I need to take a
dip in
hallucination.
Fighting against
porcelain,
but this faces
never break,
this dolls with
china eyes,
are forever in my
wake.
You've poisoned
my mind.
but you can't
make me blind.
I leave these
wishes at your
doorstep,
tied to a blue
balloon
and I watched as
the stars smiled
down,
against the
outline of a red
moon.
I want this ink
against my skin
in tattooed lines
of lies.
You've poisoned
my mind
but you can't
make me blind.
So care to speak
in serenade
sentences?
With little white
lies
as the foot-notes?
Care to fill this
void?
Car to fix this
ache?
I'm broken,
I'm broken,
I need to
hallucinate.

XoXo.