Heart (SPS1)

I usually enjoy walking on cemeteries, but I usually go by myself. However, the very few times I have gone in the company of someone, I love playing cemetery games. You know, we play whomever has the most famous people buried to his side or whoever finds the oldest grave, or the oddest name...games of that sorts. They really amuse me, but I guess some people might find them bleak. I have a very bleak sense of humour, apparently.

Is it really that bleak...?

I drink so much fucking coffee and tea, I do not know what I would do should I be made to stop drinking them...it is a really serious addiction, but I love it...And I finally bought my Jazmine tea!
Besides, five cups of coffee a day is not that much, is it?

As promised, today is my first Saturday Poem Society post. I will share with you the poems I have been writing since...hm, I don't know...some three or four years ago? Hopefully you will find them decent...at least.(I'm not sure if they are in chronological order, but they are numbered.)

Saturday Poem Society's first poem:

I.Heart
07-Jan-2008 18:51

A heart-shaped
underground map
of realization;
did you take the
same turns I did?
I follow my way
through arteries,
just to get to you...
As the heat seeps
through my skin,
I wait and watch
clouds pass,
reliving the lives
and lies I've told,
which now make
up my past.
The turns and
twists the blood
takes,
lead me gently
on my way,
pass the bones
and ribs and
cartilage,
you will be mine
one day...

Feel free to post any comments or critiques, they will be much appreciated.

XoXo

Second-guessing myself...

First of all I know, I know I broke my promise of making a daily post and I am so very sorry, I never thought I woud fail so early on and it is certainly dissapointing, but I have a good reason why I did not! I had to study for my Chemestry test! It was a somewhat complicated topic and I started late at night, which I know I should avoid but keep doing regardless...( like oh so many other things). The test was reasonably simple, but I made two very stupid mistakes for second-guessing myself like I know I shouldn't but keep doing anyway...(like oh so many other things). The only remark I wish to make from yesterday is that I am very fond of my childhood. I went to visit my kindergarden teacher and she is exactly as I remember her from fourteen years ago, and just as sweet. I owe her much of who I am right now, and I just wish she knows that. When I walked in, the little kids were rehearsing a traditional dance, and I had very vivid flashbacks of me doing exactly the same thing...I even remembered my partner.His name was Diego and he had gorgeous eyes... Moving on to today, I got back my results of the Cambridge Certificate of Advanced English exam I took some months ago, and I obtained an A. Very proud(but I have had the best teachers during these years, I absolutely could not have done it without them). I was sort of hesitant about my grade, and now it feels as though a heavy weight has been lifted off my back. I ate sushi in the beautiful company of a classmate, whom I have always pictured as Flo, from the Sarah Water's novel Tipping the Velvet...dirty thoughts included. Her name is Paula.

Watching the rain makes time drag by so slowly...
I am craving a cigarette so badly...

I will go to try and get some sleep, as my insomnia has not been so bad these days...I promise to myself and you I will post again tomorrow. I'll probably beging a new feature called "Saturday's Poem Society"

However,feel free to leave your title suggestions for this feature and the music one, as well.


XoXo

I knew he was not going to come...

I waited for him the whole recess. He did not appear, again. As I knew he would.

I have to be honest, I expected at least an explanation...You know, a short sms telling me he was busy with something and he was sorry, that he would let me know when he would be coming back...

Nothing.

I know I am being utterly ridiculous for letting a matter of this sort, which I am sure, would seem petty to most, eclipse every other thing that has been going on with my life, but the thing is, there is not much more going on in my life besides him...

I don't know if I'm expressing myself correctly, so let me use someone elses' words here:

"I don't have much in my life, but take it, it's yours"
Unloveable-The Smiths

There...that's better. As I said, I would go as far as to give my life for his, and that is exactly why those five words and his silent absence are wounding me so badly.

*I know you probably haven't even noticed, you selfish, egotistical, self-centered motherefucker.

Watching a Covergirl add earlier today, I thought about whomever makes the dubbing for all the foreign countries... for all we know, it could be a worn-out, overweight, single 45 year old woman, speaking through the perfect mouth of Drew Barrimore. She must feel so miserable, so fake...I know I would. But there are so many things we are being mislead with, besides this particular case...

It is becoming harder and harder to tell the truth from the lies.

*Note: I noticed I did not explain the name of my blog on my first post...silly me...
It means "From Ashes to Ashes", in Latin. Just, you know, in case someone was curious...

XoXo

Could I have found a lonelier place...?

Well, something occured to me today and, in addition to several Philosophy classes and a conversation I had recently with two of my friends, I started wondering, as I am sure many have before, what the purpose of our lives here is. I used to be catholic, but I came to the conclusion that most religions are purely bussines, and it is pretty silly to entrust my faith to humans, because God is perfect, and we are not, and since all religions are ruled by humans, all religions are imperfect and therefore, unworthy of most of what they have. I do believe in a God, or some sort of superior entity that created and controls the precise movements of the universe because, I find it rather hard to believe that all of this sprung out of nowhere. However, sometimes I cannot help but feel that He was simply bored and decided to conduct some sort of twisted and cruel ant box experiment with us, throwing some disasters here and there to keep things interesting. If He is so perfect, why would he have the need to create us? And if, as some people say, he created us "to spread his infinite love", then why the hell is the world so fucked up?

Sometimes I don't even know if it's worth living this life, just to know what happens at the end...feels like sitting through a lame movie just to watch the ending, which almost always, is usually as lame.
Just a thought.

I really like solitude, and I tend to seek it, even unconciously, but on very few ocasions, I do miss being with my friends. I really miss one in particular, but I am almost certain he does not miss me. Doesn't even notice how much pain he puts me through...?

Random thoughts.

I just cannot stop staring at him in class. Regardless how much effort I put into it, he just draws my eyes like a moth to a flame. A very special classmate, whom I am convinced, is my soulmate. Everything he does, every gesture, every smile, every blink, every word he says, his demeanor, everything about him, from his early gray hairs to his thin legs and clumsy feet, is so irresistibly adorable that it feels as if something was squeezing my heart until tears spring out of my eyes. He is the most quiet, sleepy, polite, humble, gentle person I have ever met in my life, and I know he would like me, if only he could see me. But I can't let him. I can't let anybody in. Not like that.

I will probably do a "Song of the Day" feature next week, with video, lyrics and a comment on why do I like it and what I think the song is about.

Feel free to comment on it as well, I'd love to hear different opinions.

Ferfaren,

Xoxo

Smells like bubblegum ice cream...

...I am so dissapointed of myself....I tried positivism for a while, but it is just not my cup of tea. The test went not as good as I would have expected, and it is a real shame, because I started preparing for it about a month ago. It is just so frustrating when your best is just not good enough. I know I am my harshest critic, but if I don't try to stay focused and on track, nobody is going to do it for me. To make matters worse, as if I was not dispirited enough already, my best friend, who also happens to be my crush since I was 13, completely foresook me today, and I have the feeling it will not be the last time...I imagine being with me is actually as boring and awkward as I imagine (even if you have known me for five years) and he would much sooner spend his recess with his beautiful, talkative, airheaded classmates(whom he sees for six hours a day anyway), than with me, even though he knows(well, at least, I hope so) Than I would let myself be eviscerated alive to save his life was I ever asked to. However, love is a dreadfully mysterious thing, and I will probably run mad before I can fully comprenhend why is it that no one I love loves me back just as much as I love them. This has worsened by depression severly this week, I must be careful or else the razor will come out to play once more. On a lighter note, something in the bus today smelled like bubblegum ice cream, and I have been craving it since...It rained again today...the weather would be perfect if it was not so warm and stuffy, but if I have learned something this week, it is that


you can't always get what you want.

(as a matter of fact, I almost never can.)


XoXo. Image by Carley Smith

And it all began...

So...I finally decided to jump in the 21st century bandwagon and start a blog. Be warned, this blog is not going to be about anything in particular.It is going to be me. What I do, what I like and how I feel.
It is, first and foremost, a space for my thoughts to have free reign, so they can be shared with like-minded people from all over the world. I am unique, quirky, and more than a little eccentric. I cultivate the weirder sides of my personality, and I don't mind sharing them. Ever since I was a kid, I have had strong opinions. I have never been like everyone else, and I am o-fuckin'-kay with that. I also have always been able to tell people exactly what I think - even when they did not want to hear it. I love to create, dream, imagine, and communicate. I live in my own universe. And unlike most people who live in their own little world, I am glad to invite anyone in. I have strugled with some mental disorders, so bear with me if you see many unusual posts...after all, I warned you earlier.

First, I thought I'd start with some miscellaneous questions...

Name:Hillary

Age:17

Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Book: The Catcher in the Rye

Favorite Movie: A Clockwork Orange

What do you do for a living?: Finishing high school at the moment.

Languages: Spanish(1), English and some French.

Enslaved?: Single, still...

Smoker?: yes

Drinker?: only with friends

Party animal?: Not in the slightest...

Favorite Band: My Chemical Romance, The Cure, The Smiths. Sorry, I cannot choose between them.

Platonic Loves: Gerard Way & Kat Dennings.

I guess that's basically it...it is raining quite heavily(I love the rain), it has been, for a while now, and it's making me sleepy, however, I cannot sleep yet, I must study for tomorrow's maths test...yay, my favorite subject... -_-

XoXo