at the end of my tether

i really really feel ive reached the end of my tether. on the floor in the corner because it feels so empty and im crying but i dont want my parents to notice. i hear really really strange noises and something that might be voices and everything has just gone so wrong and theres no one to turn to and i cant stop thinking about suicide as much as i try i dont know how to get myself through this night. i have no strenght left. ive tried every kind of distraction and they dont work. im really desperate and dont think ill be in control for mu
c h longer.

Contradictions and misleadings

I don't need attention, what I need is a sure-fire way to make as much damage as possible. Now.

XoXo.

The Bleeding Swallow

*update* Ok, here it is. Sorry I've abandoned the blog for so long, I'll be back as soon as I finish my finals, hopefully.

LXII. The Bleeding Swallow

Sept. 20, 7:16 PM

Thinking about

all the silly things

us swallows remember

from our nightly dreams,

I wondered and pondered

how would it feel

to love with the love

that spring seems to bring?

So I ventured down

to the blossomed meadows

and flew low over seas

of colorful petals

until I found

what I thought to be

the most wonderful flower

I had ever seen.

Its gown was crimson,

its perfume was sweet

and in a single instant

I was drawn to it.

I pressed myself

to her tender caress

and felt its piercing love

sinking on my flesh.

“I’m sorry.”, she said,

with not much pity on her tone,

“I was just made this way”

So dazed and hurt I flew away

to try my luck elsewhere.

I passed over towns and cities,

flew by many a windowsill,

but none of those strange animals

seemed to feel what I called love.

The sun fell in slumber deep

and the moon began its nightly chores.

I grew tired and somewhat cold

but a beaconing light saw

shinning of the cosy window

of a small, country home.

The brightness turned out to be a fire

which burnt happily on the hearth

so I approached it, wings wide open

seeking its comforting warmth.

At once my wings were set alight

while faintly through my pain I heard

its sincere apology,

he should have warned me that it was

just the way he had been made.

And as my charred and blistered skin

begged for some small act of kindness,

a gentle hand picked my aching body

from the hard, wooden floor

and gently thrust it outside

into the freezing cold

to die in that clear and starry springtime night

which I thought so full of love.

Comments, you know the drill, down below.

XoXo.

Shy

Meeting people on line is certainly a liability...but I met such a nice guy today, I feel really lucky...


Anyway, nothing new has happened.

I expanded my ears a bit more...not because I wanted it too much but mostly because of the pain.
And oh, did they hurt like a bitch...

That's what I was aiming for anyway.

XoXo.

Alone Around You (FS11)

Yeah, again I haven't posted in a long time...I was...still am, trying to pull myself together, without much success, really, but oh well...

If I could forgive and forget, it would be enough for me.

And sleep.



Anyhow, I don't really feel like making a Featured Song post, but I'd really like to share this song with you:

The Birthday Massacre-In The Dark


Lyrics:

All these broken pieces left unglued
Should never find their way into
the hands of someone like you

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Every minute shared is never mine
Frozen in this fog and hiding every second in time

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

I'm losing my faith in every way
That points to you, Oh
I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you, Oh
I'm in the dark

The more bleak the day
The less I behave as if
Everything black can wash away
Oh can I just trade a dream for a way
To peel back the shade behind the grey?

I'm in the dark
I'm alone around you
I've never been here before
Nobody here to get me through
Oh, I'm in the dark

Video:



Anything you want to say, down there.

XoXo.

Hallucin(h)ate (SPS5)

This past couple of weeks have literally been a blank in my life. I had tests, so all I did was study and study and study. I could not get him out of my mind because I miss him so fucking much...I miss his hugs and his stories, we always had something to talk about and all of a sudden he just abandoned me and it hurt me so deep that I think I will never be alright again.
I am so incredibly lonely at school...if my friend Esteban is absent or leaves early for any given reason, I have absolutely no one to stay with...I have to spend the recess sitting lonely on a table and everyone who passes by shoots pityful looks my way...it is very uncomfortable, not to mention despiriting...
But do they come and sit nex to me...? No, and I don't think... (at least I hope so) that it is because they don't like me...I think they just don't care enough.
And when they do ask me to sit with them, which seldom happens, I am sure it is out of pity.
And after, when I asked Esteban why didn't he look for me (because I saw him and he sure didn't seem like he was looking for anyone) he answered "I got tired of looking." IT WAS ONLY LIKE FIVE MINUTES, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Was it more like he was tired of me...?
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I just cannot keep a friend... They always get bored and walk out on me...they just give up...Am I really that boring to be with? I try very hard...

And today, when I arrived at the activity, there was not much left for me to do, so I thought I should settle things with Javier once and for all, because it was consuming me and I could not go on like that anymore.

I called him, and he came. I asked if I had done something wrong, if he was angry with me. I burst into tears.

He says "No, I'm not angry with you...not at all! You've done nothing wrong..."

So I ask him why, then, he stopped talking to me so suddenly, broke our promise without a word...

And he gave me so flimsy explanation having to do with me always being alone and not wanting to walk around as he'd like to do...

Really? Are you serious? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I burst into tears again. I tell him everything...about my dad hitting my mom, about the constant arguments at home, about how, how very much I miss him...everything...

I tell him I wished things could be as they were before...

And he tells me..."Well, I'd like that too...but we have changed a lot...you have changed, I know I have...maybe if you tried to be a little bit happier...but you're so sad all the time...

Really? Talk about destroying my heart.

Is that really the reason why none of my friends stay...? If it is, then I am more missunderstood than I thought I was.

I cannot just stop being sad. I can't, especially not now. I feel like I fell in a deep, dark well and broke all my bones. It's cold, dark and empty.

I don't want to eat, walk, talk, breathe, blink...I don't want to do anything. I wish I could just lay in bed and sleep forever listening to the rain fall. But I can't do that either because I can't sleep. It's been a week now, two hours a night at most.

And of course, I knew sooner or later I was going to falter...I just took the rusted razor that I hadn't used in weeks, and started slicing away at my hand, everywhere, the palm, the back, between the knuckles, the fingers, the wrist...everywhere...but sort of not noticing where I was cutting...I was so foucused on how good it felt the deeper I cut, and when I cut over a previous cut, opening it deeper into my flesh...

I have been so distant, so dissociated and confused and I just don't know what to do anymore... I truly have no one to talk to anymore. Nobody cares.

Why can't I be strong enough to just take that blade once and for all and slice open my fucking veins?

It's not like someone is going to miss me...they'll manage...
I know I will never be happy enough for them anyway.

Saturday Poem Society's fifth poem:

IV.Hallucin(h)ate
01-Apr 20:08

My sweet cyanide,
care to poison my
mind?
I need to take a
dip in
hallucination.
Fighting against
porcelain,
but this faces
never break,
this dolls with
china eyes,
are forever in my
wake.
You've poisoned
my mind.
but you can't
make me blind.
I leave these
wishes at your
doorstep,
tied to a blue
balloon
and I watched as
the stars smiled
down,
against the
outline of a red
moon.
I want this ink
against my skin
in tattooed lines
of lies.
You've poisoned
my mind
but you can't
make me blind.
So care to speak
in serenade
sentences?
With little white
lies
as the foot-notes?
Care to fill this
void?
Car to fix this
ache?
I'm broken,
I'm broken,
I need to
hallucinate.

XoXo.

A Room in Hell

“Depression is such cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying with concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. I realize that every person, at some point, takes up residence in one or other of these rooms. But the realization offers no great comfort now.”
— Martha Manning, Undercurrents (1994)


That's all I have to say for today...I think that is all I can post today, and I'm scared to be right.

XoXo.

small flower

A short post today.

I'm so sorry...

Everytime I see him I feel an uncontainable urge to jump into his arms and cry my heart out.

But for some reason, at the same time it feels as if I'd frozen up inside, my heart becoming painfully hardened and heavy, and I cannot utter a single word, can't do anything more than fantasize...


XoXo.

what lies ahead

The career advice fair was interesting, but it left me a bit uncertain about what it is I should do for the future. I hope I can clear things up soon...

I felt so fake on that photoshoot, they'll probably come out horrible...

I haven't talked to anybody about my feelings since I can't remember went, and I feel I am about to fall on that deep well of desperation and self-destruction once again.

Also, I had a dream last night in which I kissed a friend and I just can't get her image out of my head. I hate when this happens.

I'm so sorry there's no song today again, I think I'll just feature a song whenever I feel like it, because I am not all here yet to blog every day....

XoXo.

Neglected

Both me and the blog. I'm sorry. I just haven't been feeling good lately.

I think it is actually true that no one, not a single person I have ever spoken to, would consider me indispensable in their lives.

Would they notice if I were gone?

They don't even notice when I am gone now.

They might miss me for a month or two, and then forget me as easily as the moss would start to creep over my unkept tombstone.

Would they visit me?

They don't even feel the need to be with me now.

People come and go. Friends, family, aquaintances, none of them will ever stay. But I cannot move. I don't want to change.

Everybody is leaving me behind, I don't mean to drag them down...

But I am petrified.

And as hard as I have tried to isolate myself, to cut out any emotional links I may have in order to minimize damage, if I am in the same room with him, I simply cannot stop looking at him.
And it hurts so bad. It feels as though a pin was stuck through my heart everytime he gives me that painfully sweet smile. I want him to sing me to sleep and then never to wake up again. I don't eat, I barely drink anything other than coffee, I chain smoke, I have not slept more than two hours a night for the past two weeks, I jump with every little noise, I am cold all the time, my hands shake when I need to verbally communicate with someone...

I'm falling to pieces and there's no one here to catch them.

XoXo.

Dissect (SPS4)

This week has been awefully busy, but nothing was relevant enough.

Sorry I have not posted in so long.

I cannot take my eyes off of him, he is just so perfect. Why is he so perfect? And what does she have to have something I don't? I'm sure she doesn't even like him.

It hurts so bad.

I am dissapointed on everyone. Absolutely everyone.

The fourth(yesterday's) Saturday Poem Society post is:

III.Dissect
31-Mar 23:46

I want you to cut
me up.
Dissect me; inch
by inch.
You'll pull apart
my limbs and my
secrets will spew,
tied to bones and
my broken heart.
Do you want to
make me blind?
I'll gladly pass
you the scissors if
it means I don't
have to watch you
holding onto her
every word...
Leave me lifeless.
Your name was
once slashed across
my flesh, now all
that remains is
scar-crossed skin.
I tried to rub you
out...no...I tried to
cut you out...

Comments or critique equally welcome.

XoXo.

In Haste

Just a quick one today, I will embellish it tomorrow, it is already rather late today.

I hope she gets better soon, she has got me very worried.

Everything would be so much better if we didn't have to eat...

XoXo.

Fear of Ghosts (FS10)

Reminiscing the past on days like today is part of the grieving process, I guess, but I will never get used to the fact that she is never going to be there for me to tell her "Happy Mother's Day". She has not even got a plaque on her tomb...

Are we all bound to be forgotten so fast?

Such small epiphanies only strenghten my existentialist vision of the world.I wish I could let go of this, but I cannot until you say something. Please say something.

Todays's featured song is

The Cure- Fear of Ghosts

Background Info:

The Cure is an English rock band formed in Crawley, West Sussex in 1976. The band has experienced several line-up changes, with frontman, vocalist, guitarist and principal songwriter Robert Smith being the only constant member. The Cure first began releasing music in the late 1970s with their debut album Three Imaginary Boys (1979); this, along with several early singles, placed the band as part of the post-punk and New Wave movements that had sprung up in the wake of the punk rock revolution in the United Kingdom. During the early 1980s, the band's increasingly dark and tormented music helped form the gothic rock genre.

Lyrics:

Like a feeling that I'm down
Deep inside my heart
Like I'm looking out through
Splitting blood red
Windows in my heart
From a higher up than heaven
And a harder down than stone
Shake the fear that always clawing
Pulls me clawing down alone
As I spitting splitting blood red
Breaking windows in my heart
And the past is taunting
Fear of ghosts
Is forcing me apart
And the further I get
From the things that I care about
The less I care about
How much further away I get...

I am lost again
With everything gone
And more alone
Than I have ever been
I expect you to understand
To feel it too
But I know that even if you will
You cannot ever help me
Nor can I
Ever help you

My Interpretation:

Robert Smith has the exceptional ability of making his lyrics as literall or as symbollic as he wants, and in this case, they are rather literall. For me, the song tells the heartbreaking story of a person who is not quite all there anymore, and he feels himself slipping away, further and further with every sleepless night, with his memories haunting him as ghosts. He is destroyed, lonely and lost beyond any possible salvation
"And the further I get/From the things that I care about/The less I care about/How much further away I get..." Precisely the vicious circle I seem to have fallen into.

Video:



Comments or anything else you wish to say...

XoXo.